Fifty Shades of Coffee
by The Cheshire Cheese
Summary: Janeway's lonely Valentine's Day is interrupted by an unexpected visit. Lady Q offers to show Janeway how her life might have gone if she'd chosen various partners. Janeway sifts through the possibilities, trying to decide who her one true love is meant to be. Chakotay? Tom Paris? Seven of Nine? Q? Mark? Kashyk? It turns out that true love might be hiding right in plain sight...
1. An Unexpected Visitor

**A/N: This is my take on the various parings that people subject Kathryn Janeway to. **

**I don't own "Star Trek: Voyager."**

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><p>The first time Neelix had organized a Valentine's Day party on Voyager, Janeway had been painfully reminded of the fiancé she'd left behind, and skipped out on the party to mope in her quarters. The second year, she'd considered asking Chakotay out, only to have the celebration rudely interrupted by Vidiians who literally wanted to steal everyone's hearts that Valentine's Day (har, har). The third year, she'd munched Neelix's pink Valentine's cake, wondering if she should reconsider Q's offer to become his mate. Year number for, she had admired the silver catsuited body of her new pupil as she led Seven of Nine through the party, forcing her to make conversation with people. That was the first time since the academy that Janeway had considered lesbianism. (Certainly, a woman would be less emotional and bitchy than Chakotay, and less of a headache than Q.) The fifth year, she fantasized about inviting both Seven and Chakotay into her bubble bath for a three-way. The sixth year, she'd simply stayed in her quarters sipping coffee and reading erotic fanfiction.<p>

Now, on Valentine's Day #7, Janeway was at a loss.

Everyone was paired with someone, it seemed. Tom and B'Elanna were married and expecting a new little hybrid. Tuvok's wife was with him in spirit. Neelix sat in his galley next to an inflatable blow-up doll of Kes that he'd replicated (despite everyone's protests of how creepy it was). Harry Kim pranced around with his latest beautiful, not-a-deadly-backstabbing-traitor-in-disguise, girlfriend, a blue-skinned alien woman in a gold dress that left little to the imagination. And what was this…Chakotay walked into the mess hall, with…_Seven_?...hooked around his arm.

Come to think of it, the Doctor didn't have anybody either. But that was no surprise; he was bald.

Janeway sipped her coffee slowly, wondering exactly what it was she wanted. What was she jealous of, exactly? She didn't particularly want Chakotay, or Tom, or anyone else on her ship (did she?). She didn't even want a relationship. If she did, she could simply crack her whip and order whichever boy toy she wanted into her bubble bath. She was the captain. Yet she hadn't. Maybe she was just bored, and jealous that these other people had something to _do_ on this holiday.

"Would you like a slice Captain?" Neelix offered Janeway a slice of pink cake. "Oh, what was that Sweetest?" he smiled affectionately at his inflatable Kes. "Ah. Kes says I should offer you some of my special Valentine's Day coffee blend!"

"That's quite alright Neelix, I've already got a cup—"

"No, no! I insist Captain!"

Janeway sighed and closed her eyes, as Voyager's resident kitchen rodent hustled into the back to pour her some of his blend. Actually, she had to admit it looked pretty interesting, pouring out in a dark reddish-pink hue. Janeway graciously accepted the coffee.

"Thank you Neelix. Happy Valentine's Day."

"Oh we plan to!" Neelix giggled, and gave his balloon Kes a peck on the cheek.

Janeway quickly turned away, making a face.

She took a long sip of the coffee. It was good stuff, she had to admit. A rich blend of black velvet coffee with a mix of red velvet cupcake, was what it tasted like. She slowly opened her eyes, gazing down at the dark red blend in the cup, then gasped and jumped. A woman's face was reflected in the coffee, but not her own.

"I always hated this gratuitous holiday," the woman said, her voice echoing as if it really were resonating from inside the coffee cup.

What the _hell_ did Neelix put in this coffee?

"Valentine's Day." This time, the woman's voice was clear, and came from behind Janeway.

She spun around to find the woman standing behind her. The woman stood with her arms folded in a red Starfleet uniform, long brown hair hanging in ringlets over her shoulders.

"Why do I know you?" Janeway asked quietly.

"Oh please." The woman gave her long brunette ringlets a shake. "I know it's been a while, and I only showed up for one episode, but don't tell me you've forgotten Lady Q so quickly?"

The awe on Janeway's face immediately vanished. "Oh, that's all I needed today, a _Q_. Is your husband going to drop by too?"

"_Ex_-husband. And no." Lady Q unfolded her arms. "I was just wondering who you planned on spending Valentine's Day with this year, Kathryn."

"It looks like most everyone's taken."

"Well that can be fixed, can't it? You're the captain after all."

Janeway rolled her eyes. "I don't think I even want half the blokes on this ship. God knows what kind of a mess I might—" She looked slowly at Lady Q. "Now just a minute…_You're_ a bit like a god, aren't you?"

Lady Q dipped her head in agreement.

"So why don't you pull that old 'It's a Wonderful Life' gag, and show me what my life would be like, if I'd chosen differently? How about if I'd hooked up with Chakotay, back when he was making me offers in Season 3 and 4. Can you show me what that would look like, if I'd said yes?"

"Oh, I could show you." Lady Q said. "But you might not like the results."

"Try me."

Lady Q shrugged, and snapped both sets of fingers.

With a silver flash, they left the mess hall…


	2. Commands of the Heart

**A/N: I don't own "Star Trek: Voyager."**

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><p>"Shields at 17% and failing!" Tuvok bellowed.<p>

Janeway and Lady Q stood on Voyager's bridge, surrounded by smoke and blaring alarms. Janeway watched her counterpart barking orders from her chair, Chakotay next to her typing furiously at his panel. On the viewscreen, a Borg armada was on a collision course. So far, nothing out of the ordinary.

Harry Kim exclaimed, "They're closing in!" He looked at his captain hopelessly. "We've got no escape Captain. It's over."

Janeway and Chakotay exchanged a long look.

"Kathryn," Chakotay said, "Sweetheart,"

The Janeway watching shook her head. "_Sweetheart_?"

The Janeway in the captain's seat was looking up at her first officer with a dewy eyed expression that Janeway had always been embarrassed to see in family photos and recordings. She reached over to take Chakotay's hand, and the watching Janeway saw a diamond the size of a marble glisten on her hand. Kessler's.

"My heart's desire," Chakotay said, ignoring the torpedoes slamming into the ship, "I just want you to know, how glad I am that you married me." Janeway's counterpart was a lot more taken by his speech than the Janeway watching was. "It was all worth it—the war with the Cardassians, having my worlds stolen, having my father killed, the crap Academy years, that frycook job, middle school, all of it was leading me to this destiny, to be by your side, at this moment."

"_We are the Borg. You will be assimilated_."

Janeway and Chakotay looked at the viewscreen in horror, and huddled closely.

"_Resistance is futile_."

"Ooooh yeeeah?" a young girl's voice challenged.

Janeway was afraid to look. "Who…is that?"

Lady Q just gave her a sly look.

Janeway forced herself to turn and look at the turbo lift, where a teenage girl was stepping off. The girl had Janeway's blue eyes and brown hair, with a tattoo identical to Chakotay's above her eye, and…_Borg implants_…on her cheek and hand? And what was with her wardrobe? The girl wore a blue catsuit like Seven's, with a Klingon sash over it, and a belt equipped with a Klingon dagger. Around her throat and wrists were black leather bands with metal spikes.

Janeway's counterpart and Chakotay looked up at the girl.

"Matilda!" Janeway exclaimed. "Darling, I've told you, you can't be on the bridge! You're too young! You can't handle the pressure!"

"That's what _you_ think Mom. But I've been secretly practicing captaining the bridge on the holodeck. Plus, I've been learning a lot of fighting skills, since Auntie B'Elanna invited me to join her Klingon house. And besides, ever since I was partially assimilated as a baby, and now possess a bank of Borg knowledge as vast as Seven of Nine's, who is a great mentor by the way, I have the experience of _millions_ of Federation captains in my brain. So I think if someone can save this ship it'll be me." Matilda gave her hair a shake, then glanced over her shoulder at Harry Kim. "Hi Harry."

Harry turned beat red, and waved hello.

"_State your designation_!" the Collective demanded.

"Matilda Chakotaya Ebony Janeway!"

"_You will be assimilated_."

"Actually…" Matilda rushed to Tuvok's station and began typing furiously. "I think it's _you_ who are being assimilated!"

A blast shot from voyager, obliterating the lead cube. The others quickly followed.

Seven of Nine rushed to Tuvok's station, and together, she and the Vulcan awed at the results.

"She is infecting the Collective," Seven marveled. "With a specially designed pathogen!"

"Ingenious!" Tuvok agreed.

"If I do say so myself!" Matilda put her hands on her hips.

Chakotay smiled at Janeway. "She's beautiful and brilliant, just like her moth—"

"ENOUGH ALREADY!" the real Janeway threw her hands up, startling everyone on the bridge. "I'm done with this one! My god, the lizard babies were better than this."

Lady Q snapped her fingers, and the bridge vanished in a flash of silver.


	3. The Threshold of Love

**A/N: "Voyager" not mine and such.**

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><p>Janeway's ankles were wet.<p>

The entire place felt wet. The trees, the ground, the rocks, the reptilian animals crawling and lounging about...

"Are we in a swamp?"

"Would seem so." Lady Q ducked casually to allow a pterodactyl-like alien to fly past.

"Wait a minute, is this…is this the planet where…"

An orange lizard emerged from the swampy waters, followed by a second.

"Oh no," Janeway shook her head.

A second lizard followed.

"_No_…"

And finally, three smaller ones.

"_DID_ _I SAY I WANTED TO BE REMINDED OF MY LIZARD SEX WITH PARIS_?"

"Well, you said something about the lizard children,"

"_SARCASM_! LOOK IT UP!" Janeway groaned, grabbing her forehead. "_Lizards_. So what now, there's a timeline where I stayed here with Paris, and raised our lizard children?"

"And grandchildren," Lady Q smiled. "And great-grandchildren, and great-great grandchildren…" Lady Q gestured to the lizard family. "That's not you and the Helm Boy. Those are just some of your descendents." She jerked her head. "Let's see where they go."

Janeway sighed. "What've I got to lose."

She and Lady Q followed the salamander family through the swamp. It was a really boring journey, since the lizards moved about as slowly as they looked. As their journey progressed, Janeway began to see more and more lizards here and there, crawling through the underbrush or lounging on tree branches.

The lizards led them to what Janeway at first took to be a cave. But coming closer, she saw it was manmade. It looked like an Aztec pyramid, built from gray rock, stretching high above the swamp. She and Lady Q made their way up the pyramid stairs, past statues of salamanders, humanoids, and planets. Lizards were everywhere, all over the steps and statues, and Janeway stepped on more than one tail (twice on accident, the last time out of spite).

Janeway was startled to see another humanoid sprint up the steps past herself and Lady Q. It looked like someone native to the swamp, with his gray-green skin and long white hair. From his head poked two long curled antennae, that gave the impression of a swam-dwelling insect. He wore nothing but a necklace of lake shells and a white loin cloth, which was very unfortunate, since he was also old enough to be a great-grandpa. In his gnarled green hands he held a clay pot filled with fruits. As soon as he was past them, Janeway turned to Lady Q.

"There are people on this planet?"

"Why not?" Lady Q shrugged. "You and Tom didn't exactly have time to explore the whole globe, did you?"

Janeway watched as three more such humanoids hurried by, all in loincloths, and in the women's case, bikinis. (Funny, she thought, how 90% of the species in the galaxy not only looked so similar, but also had the same ideas about modesty as North American and European humans.)

"Okay," Janeway stopped to catch her breath, not even one fourth of the way up the pyramid. "I don't think I have quite enough coffee to conquer this mountain."

"Guppy."

Lady Q snapped her fingers, and they were at the top.

The gray pyramid was topped with a sort of stone gazebo. The pillars holding up the roof were shaped like salamanders standing on their hind legs, holding it up with their front ones. The roof itself looked like another massive lizard, simply snoozing. Within the gazebo, on a pile of fine cushions, sat two very familiar looking lizards. Janeway and Tom Paris stared impassively as natives left offerings around their gazebo.

"Great She-Lizard," a female native approached with a bowl. "I bring to you an offering of my finest cocoa beans. May it provide the energy you require to keep our great lizard population blooming."

"Okay." Janeway rubbed her temple. "Educate me Miss Q. Why do Tom and I rule this planet again?"

Lady Q shrugged. "Same reason cows get the right of way in India. Lizards are sacred to these people. And they figured out that you and Tom were the first two here."

"Oh, sure. That makes sense."

"And now," the native woman's voice echoed through the temple, "Great She-Lizard, and Brave He-Lizard, I beg of you, show me my brother!"

The lizards suddenly lifted their heads and opened their mouths, and an odd sound came out. The only thing Janeway could compare it to was a baritone opera singer being asked by a doctor to "say aaah." The noise was bad enough with two lizards. But the smaller lizards lazing around the temple joined in, and the chorus echoed through the swamp.

"Why do I feel like I've heard this god-awful singing before somewhere?" Janeway mused.

Lady Q shrugged. "Maybe you saw it in a movie or something."

As the lizards sang, a small mist began to form over a bowl of water that Janway hadn't noticed sitting in front of the two lead lizards. The native woman peered inside, and seemed pleased with what she saw.

"My brother is alive! He's a war hero! Oh thank you my gods, thank you!"

Janeway's jaw dropped. "_I can see the future_?"

"Not the future," Lady Q corrected. "Just things happening miles and miles—"

Janeway rushed to the front of the line, shoving the green-skinned native at the front out of her way.

"Mr. Paris!" Janeway put her hands on her hips. "And…Other Captain Janeway. I have a request. And seeing as I came from a lot farther away than the rest of these good people, I think I should get first dibs."

Her counterpart stared at her, unimpressed. The Paris lizard looked between her and his mate, and Janeway could've sworn she saw his wide lizard mouth turn up into a perverse smile, as if hoping for a three-way. Since it was Paris, Janeway wasn't fazed.

"What I want to—" Janeway suddenly remembered the offering ritual. She yanked her com badge off her chest. "To offer you, is a reminder of home." She set the com badge between the two unimpressed lizards. "And now, if it pleases you, I'd like to see how my crew is fairing in this universe, without me and Mr. Paris."

The lizards opened their mouths, and the awful singing commenced.

("The Dark Crystal," Janeway realized. That was what the lizard singing reminded her of.)

Janeway knelt down besides the misty bowl of water. An image was forming, yes. Voyager, flying through space. The scene changed to the bridge, where Chakotay and Tuvok sat in the command chairs. It was all surrounded by a foggy haze, like a dream sequence from a corny television show.

"All systems are operational, Captain." Tuvok, in a red uniform, informed Chakotay.

"Excellent." Chakotay replied.

"Captain," Neelix said timidly.

To Janeway's horror, Neelix was wearing a gold security uniform, and standing at Tuvok's old station.

"Who the hell put the hedgehog in charge of security?" Janeway hissed.

"You did," Lady Q said, "In the 'Year of Hell' timeline you don't remember. Both of them."

"What?"

"Captain" Neelix stammered, "I, I really think we should try and rescue Captain Janeway and Mr. Paris."

"No screw it, it's too late." Chakotay said in that solemn monotone voice of his. "They could be anywhere in the universe after that Warp 10 journey. The odds of them even being in the same galaxy as us is astronomical. We must continue onward towards home, and allow life to go on. Isn't that right Harry."

From his station, Harry Kim nodded. "B'Elanna and I both miss Tom, but we've found ways to cope—oh no. It's 0500! I'm late for our date!"

Janeway sighed. "_Really_?"

Lady Q glanced at her. "What would you prefer, B'Elanna and Chakotay? I can show you _that_ universe if you'd like,"

"NO!"

B'Elanna stormed out of the turbo lift, looking even more irritated than usual. "Starfleet! Where the hell have you been? We're supposed to try out that Day of Mates program you helped me design! The pain sticks are heating up!"

"B-But B'Elanna, I've got wor—"

B'Elanna seized Harry by the collar and dragged him into the turbo lift, while Chakotay watched, looking amused. His amusement dropped into a sigh.

"Sometimes Tuvok, I really do miss the captain…and strangely, even Tom!"

"They were close friends." Tuvok agreed. "But fortunately we have managed to form new bonds on this journey without them."

"Sir!" Neelix exclaimed suddenly. "Borg vessels, from every direction! And…they're hailing us!"

Chakotay shifted in his chair, horror sweeping his face. "Onscreen!"

Janeway should not have been surprised to see Seven of Nine, in full Borg Drone getup, on the viewscreen.

"I am the new Borg Queen." Seven declared. "I have dismantled my old ruler and taken her place. I now offer you primates the choice of joining us willingly, or being assimilated by force."

"Evasive maneuvers!" Chakotay exclaimed.

At the helm, little Naomi Wildman yelled, "Aye Sir!"

The child took Voyager on a roller coaster of a ride through space, weaving through Borg cubes and dodging Borg blasts.

"They'll never make it!" Janeway exclaimed to Lady Q. "Not without Paris's piloting skills and my harebrained schemes!"

"I think you should have a little more faith in your crew, Captain." Lady Q said with amusement.

In the bowl-vision, Tuvok turned to Chakotay. "We are at a disadvantage, Captain."

"Seems so." Chakotay hit his com badge. "Bridge to Torres. How'd you like to test that bomb you and your dweeb boyfriend have been working on for the last month?"

From the other end of the com, Harry Kim's whimpering scream echoed, amidst the steaming sound of a pain stick. Janeway cringed.

"Why not!" B'Elanna replied. "It's ready now. Beam it over to the lead cube!"

"Seven!" Janeway gasped, but the visions of course couldn't hear.

The viewscreen was taken up by a blue light, as B'Elanna's bomb wiped out the entire Borg armada.

Over the sounds of the crew cheering, B'Elanna's voice came through the com again. "It's amazing what I can get done without those stupid Starfleet regulations getting in my way. I like having a captain who's willing to bend the rules!"

In the captain's chair, Chakotay laughed. Next to him, Tuvok turned to face his captain, his eyebrow turning up in Vulcan amusement. The two men stopped, Tuvok's eyebrow dropping back down, and Chakotay's laughter vanishing. Chakotay blinked at Tuvok. Tuvok lowered his eyelids, as if anticipating something. Chakotay's eyes darted around the Vulcan's face. Then, slowly, he began to lean inward. Tuvok likewise moved towards Chakotay, his lips slowly parting. Chakotay tilted his head, ready for the kiss…

Janeway shot up and turned away from the bowl. "I'm done with this timeline!"

"Alright." Lady Q shrugged. "Who do you wanna try out next? My former husband?"

"Why the hell not!" Janeway threw up her arms. "Show me what my life would be like if I'd accepted Q's offer to become his mate!"

Lady Q snapped her fingers.


	4. Ten Things I Hate About Q

**A/N: I don't own "Voyager," or any of the other shows this chapter makes references to.**

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><p>Lady Q and Janeway reappeared in the trashiest looking apartment Janeway had ever seen. It reminded her of one of those studios in New York, with the concrete floor and the slanted wall of windows, where you felt you were standing inside a giant trapezoid. Janeway knew some people who'd consider it cool and "artsy" looking, but she wasn't one of them. Clothes and unwashed dishes sat everywhere. It was nighttime, judging by the stars in the window. Actually, the sky was so clear one would almost thing they were in outer—<p>

"Q!" Janeway heard her own voice bellow. "_IS THAT YOU?_"

Janeway's counterpart was sitting on the torn sofa, eating coffee flavored ice cream out of the container, and wearing a horrible red jogging suit.

Janeway and Lady Q exchanged a glance.

"No," Lady Q explained. "We're just visitors from another universe."

Jogging-suit Janeway gave them both a look, and groaned. "That pig is cheating on me, don't think I don't know it!"

"If you say so." The "real" Janeway sighed.

A silver flash filled the room, and Q—_the_ Q—appeared.

"Kathy darling!" Q spread his arms, as if expecting his wife to hug him. "I'm so sorry I'm late. I had a meeting at the Continuum that ran over schedule, and then I stopped by the UWQ to drop off the socks Junior forgot to bring to school with him—"

"It's summer break you idiot." Jogging-Suit snapped. "Junior is at a sleepover. Nice try!" She shot up from the sofa and stomped over to her husband, shaking her ice cream spoon at him accusingly. "You weren't at any meeting either! You were with that Ocampan skank! I'm not gonna blame Kes, that dumb bitch is only five years old. But you're at least a few billion years old, what the hell's your excuse?!"

Q pursed his lips in a pathetic attempt at puppy-dog-eyes. "Oh Kathy please forgive me! You know I can't control my urges. I'm a Q! We can't help it! Oh I may stray from you from time to time, but I'm always back to—"

The shrill blast of an old-fashioned telephone interrupted Q.

"One moment, that's probably for me." Q rushed to answer the phone. It was one of those old 1920s antique telephones, where you had to hold the mouth and ear piece separately. Instead of saying "Hello," he answered it with, "_I told you not to call me at home_!"

Tucking back into her ice cream, Janeway grumbled, "If it's Kes, tell her she can do better!"

"_Shh_!" Q hissed. "What was that?" The muffled voice on the other end did not sound like Kes. "What do you mean the Prophets are ending the alliance? My men delivered that—" he glanced nervously at his wife. "—that 'soda and water' last Friday, just as Big Benny requested! What's he threatening to make people 'disappear' for?" More muffled screaming from the other line. "What was I supposed to do, just sit there and let an entire squad of Continuum Police Force cars catch us with seven crates full of Spice?! It was either we take a back road or we dump it all in the river and lose 75 grand! What would you've done?"

The real Janeway shook her head at Lady Q. "I don't watch these Mafia dramas. I have no idea what's going on."

"Of course you don't." Lady Q said. "I didn't either. The wives are never supposed to know. It's the tradition. The mob is men's business. You wanna know the _real_ reason I divorced him? Well," she gestured to Q, now yelling into the phone. "I'd suspected for years, but after Q and some of his buddies made a Prophet lawyer 'disappear' and it was all over the Advanced Energy Beings of the Universe news, I decided enough was enough, and started looking for someone who can actually make an honest living."

"So you're telling me that the Q, the Wormhole Aliens, and all the other super-advanced energy aliens Starfleet's encountered…have mafias?"

"Why not? Every other society has its organized crime. Besides, haven't you ever wondered why you lower beings keep running into unruly aliens like Q, who seem outcast from their society, and don't have an honest job to keep them busy? Well, there's a reason no one wants them around. They're _crooks_."

"Suddenly it all makes sense."

The other Janeway called over from the couch, "So much for Junior bringing balance to the Continuum! _That_ turned out just peachy keen. The only thing his human DNA did was make it impossible for him to learn how to snap his fingers. He's eighteen and he has to have his father haul him around like cattle, or take the Continuum bus." She snorted, and stabbed her spoon back into her ice cream.

"But did Q keep his word, and send Voyager home?" Janeway asked her counterpart. "Like he promised, if I had his child?"

"Oh he did." Janeway nodded. "Voyager got home just in time for the Dominion War. Only one member of my old Voyager senior staff's still alive now." She gave her horrified counterpart an ironic, wearied look. "_Harry Kim_."

"Probably because he always manages to find some way to come back from the dead," the real Janeway muttered. "So," she asked Lady Q. "I guess Seven's still a drone in this universe, too?"

"A drone of very high standing," Lady Q said encouragingly. "You might be proud of her."

"Oh really."

Q slammed the receiver of his phone down and hurried back to his wife. "Kathy, dearest, I'm just going to have a few friends over, just some guys from I know from the neighborhood."

"I don't want you conducting your filthy blood money business in this house!" Janeway said hoarsely. "It already makes me sick, thinking of all the aliens you've murdered and planets you've obliterated…"

"Oh look in the mirror hypocrite." Q snarled. "You don't seem too cut up about it when my 'blood money' buys you a new dress or—" the doorbell chimed. "Oh I'll get that!"

Q answered the door, and some older Q dressed in a pinstriped suit and a fedora stepped in. Who should follow the man, but Benjamin Sisko, dressed very similarly, with large round glasses to match.

"What's the captain of DS9 doing here?" The real Janeway whispered to Lady Q.

"Oh, maybe you missed the news." Lady Q whispered back. "He left the space station to live in the Wormhole with the Prophets, and evolved into a super intelligent being. Oops, was that a spoiler?"

More of Q's "associates" entered the apartment. Kes strode in, with the short silver hair and long robes she'd sported that time she'd paid Voyager an unfriendly visit a year ago.

Then came a pompous looking man with wavy brown hair and muttonchops, dressed in an elegant blue frock coat trimmed with gold leafy designs, over a ruffled white blouse.

"I know who that is," Janeway whispered. "That's Trelane! Captain Kirk encountered him on the planet Gothos in 2267! And if memory serves, he's a cosmic mama's boy."

"I heard that." Terlane snapped, taking a seat on the sofa next to jogging-suit Janeway.

Another familiar face entered the apartment. Guinan, the famous bartender from Picard's Enterprise. She appeared to be a black human woman with long dreadlocks, wearing colorful robes and outrageous disc-shaped hats, but she was known for being an alien almost as powerful as Q.

The last two people to enter were the Borg Queen, and Seven of Nine—a full Borg drone.

Trelane snorted at the Borg Queen. "You always bring the kiddies to a meeting?"

Seven looked ready to punch Trelane, but the Queen held her back. "Seven! We're business women!" Turning back to Trelane, she coolly replied, "Seven happens to be my second in command now. She might even take over the family beeswax after I'm gone."

Trelane grumbled, "What happened to this being a _man's_ beeswax, huh?"

"Enough chit chat!" Ben Sisko said, lighting up a cigar. "What _I_ wanna know is, why was my stock five centuries late, _and_ two crates short on what we agreed?"

"Don't ask me," Q whined. "Ask _Trelane_ why he wouldn't grant a friend permission to cut through his territory!"

"I told you," Trelane glared at Q. "My ma and pop are on the right side of the law, and if they see a carload of Q gangsters cutting through their lawn, they'll get suspicious and call the feds!"

Guinan spoke while pouring everyone a drink. "You couldn't get the parents out of the house for one night so Q could cut through your planet? As them to take you to a movie or something?"

Seven of Nine added, "You no doubt could've distracted them with one of your piano concerts."

Kes began to giggle, much to Trelane's rage.

"You think that's funny, Tinkerbelle? You're lucky any of us even consider doing business with a back-stabbing broad like you!"

"Um excuse me," Kes shot Trelane a condescending look. "Who was it that left home at age _one_ to explore the universe, and evolved into a super intelligent being by age four? And who is it that still lives with his mother at age seven billion and a half?"

Sisko bellowed, "Niggas, we're gettin' off the subject!"

Guinan nodded in agreement. "What we need to do is discuss how to mend the wounds in our friendships."

"What we need ta do," Trelane pointed at Guinan, "Is discuss why the heck any of us are doing business with a race of cheapskates in stupid hats who ain't welcome anywhere in the galaxy!"

"Why you racist little," Guinan lunged at Trelane, and the brawl finally broke out.

Lady Q and both Janeways watched unimpressed, as the various aliens began punching each other, slashing with pocket knives, and swinging at each other with pieces of furniture.

While the brawl went on, the apartment doors opened, and Q Junior stepped in. He looked just as he had when Janeway had met him in real life, but his eyes were a brighter blue—Janeway's—and he wore a green "Irish Pride!" T-shirt. A backpack was slung over his shoulder, and his blue eyes sparkled behind large hipster glasses. His legs were in skinny jeans, finished with green high-toped sneakers.

"Sorry I'm late Mom," Q Junior said to the Janeway on the couch. "I missed the bus, so I had to hitch a ride from Q. But then she got a call from Q, who said his stepmom was coming over and he wanted to get away, so we had to make a stop to pick him up, and then we figured since us three were together, why not see if we could find Q and Q and go get coffee at Perkin's. But you know who we ran into there? Q! And you know who was with him?"

"Junior, I don't care," his mother grumbled, ducking as Kes tossed Trelane over the sofa.

"Okay," the real Janeway turned to Lady Q. "You've seen one mob brawl you've seen 'em all. Let's go home."

"Home?" Lady Q frowned. "Already? Don't you want to know what would happen if you chose Seven of Nine?"

Janeway's eyebrows went up. "I'd almost forgotten about _that_ option…Okay girlfriend. Let's see if my life would be any easier as a lesbian."

Grinning, Lady Q raised her fingers.

_**FLASH! **_


	5. Seven of Mine

**A/N: I'll just remind everyone that this is a **_**comedy**_**, so the science has no reason to make any sense, or in any way relate to my serious "Voyager" stories. **

**I don't own "Star Trek: Voyager."**

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><p>Janeway and Lady Q appeared in Voyager's mess hall. The entire crew seemed to be gathered there, all in dress uniforms, apparently for a wedding. Janeway saw herself standing in front of a star-filled window, in the position of the priest.<p>

Starfleet policy was that captains had the authority to marry shipmates; in the olden days, enough people had been mislead by Hollywood and asked boat captains to marry them, that when starships were invented the Federation decided to just save everyone the trouble and make the captain's power to perform marriages an actual thing.

Seven of Nine stood in the position of the bride, in a glistening white catsuit and a veil. She held a bouquet of Terran and alien flowers. Little Naomi Wildman held a mostly-empty basket that still contained a few of the flower petals she'd sprinkled onto the isle. Icheb stood next to her, holding a cushion with the rings on it. The Doctor was near Seven, acting as the bride's father. Chakotay was in the spot of the best man. The three brides maids were B'Elanna, Sam Wildman, and Tal Celes. The only person who seemed to be missing was the groom.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Janeway's counterpart began, "We have gathered here today to witness the union of Kathryn Janeway and Seven of Nine." Turning to Icheb, she said, "Bring forth the rings."

Icheb presented the pillow, and Seven took one of the wedding bands. Janeway hopped into the spot meant for the groom, and allowed Seven to slip the ring onto her finger. She then took the other ring and tried to pace it on Seven; it wouldn't fit over the Borg implants on her finger, so Janeway gave up and moved it to the other hand. Once done, she jumped back into place as the priest.

Janeway looked solemnly at the empty groom's spot, and said, "Captain Kathryn Janeway, do you take this drone to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, through sickness and health, through alien possession and freak-transporter-accident, to fondle and poke, till death do you part?" Janeway then moved back next to Seven, and replied, "I do!" Jumping back into the place of the priest, Janeway turned to Seven. "And do you, Seven of Nine, vow to do all of the things that I just said to myself?"

Beaming, Seven replied, "I do."

"Then by the power vested in me, I know now pronounce us—"

"Objection!" Chakotay suddenly bellowed.

All heads turned to the best man.

Irritably, Janeway snapped, "Who asked?!"

"I can't stay silent any longer." Chakotay said defiantly. "You know that I love you and I know you love me!"

Seven and Janeway exchanged a look.

Seven finally asked, "Which of us are you addressing, Commander?"

Bashfully, Chakotay stammered, "Um…both, I guess."

Janeway rolled her eyes. "Spock's beard, if you want a three-way Chakotay, just come over on Wednesdays."

Chakotay's face lit up. "Oh!"

Janeway sighed. "Anyone _else_ have any objections?"

The mess hall was silent, save the snores of B'Elanna Torres, who'd fallen asleep where she stood with the other bride's maids.

"Good! Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce us wife and wife!"

Seven tossed the bouquet behind her, and it was caught by Neelix. Rice flew up, while Harry Kim began to play the concluding wedding tune on his clarinet. Janeway and Seven moved down the aisle hand-in-hand.

"Well," the "real" Janeway said, observing the happy couple. "We look happy enough."

Lady Q looked at her coyly. "Wanna see the honeymoon?"

Janeway's curiosity must've been evident. Lady Q snapped her fingers, and they reappeared in Janeway's quarters.

The room was dark, the only lighting coming from some dim red candles burning on the windowsill. Janeway and Seven stood in front of the bed, still in their wedding outfits. Low, porny music echoed from nowhere, as they gazed into each other's eyes. Without saying a word, Janeway pulled off Seven's veil and tossed it aside. Seven yanked open Janeway's white dress-uniform jacket and pulled it off, stripping the captain to her tank-top. Janeway responded by reaching behind Seven's neck to unzip her white catsuit. She unpeeled the drone halfway, revealing her tight silver bra. With her Borg strength, Seven fisted up the front of Janeway's tank-top, and ripped it clean off, revealing the captain's green shamrock-covered brazier. Slowly, Janeway leaned in, and began to unfasten the clasp of Seven's bra…

"_Blah blah blah_," Lady Q sighed, "You get the idea."

With another snap of her fingers, the scene ended.

Enraged, Janeway glared at the Q. "What the hell was that for? We were just getting to—"

She suddenly realized that they were standing in Sickbay. Janeway and Seven stood before the Doctor, now in their usual uniforms. The only indication that this was an alternate timeline were the wedding bands on their fingers.

"I have good news," the Doctor smiled at the two women. "After much deliberation, I've _finally_ devised a way for the two of you to procreate successfully. Now, we know that Seven shouldn't carry the child, since her Borg physiology would cause all manner of difficulties for a pregnancy. And of course, it wouldn't be ideal for the captain to undergo a pregnancy, for various reasons. And because any child of yours will _have_ Borg nanoprobes, as they are ingrained in your body down to your DNA, finding a surrogate mother to carry such a child is no simple task. But I believe I have finally found someone whose biology will allow for a Borg-human hybrid."

"Who?" the alternate Janeway asked.

"Mr. Neelix."

The Janeway watching the scene closed her eyes and shook her head. "No, no. _Please_, no."

"Yes!" Seven gasped, grabbing her Janeway's arm. "Finally Katie, we can have a child!"

The alternate Janeway beamed. "It's like a dream come true! Assuming Mr. Neelix is willing of course."

"Neelix would do anything for us," Seven assured her.

The real Janeway had her face in her hands, shaking her head almost frantically.

Lady Q flipped through a tiny calendar in her hands. "Okay, let's fast-forward just about nine-months …"

_**FLASH! **_

They were still in sickbay. Neelix lay on a bio-bed, pregnant, and apparently giving birth. The Talaxian was emitting some of his strange yelps, while the Doctor urged him to push. Janeway and Seven stood nearby, watching nervously.

"What exactly did you eat?" The Doctor demanded.

Between pushes and gasps, Neelix replied, "Just some le—leola root stew, with alferian hair pasta and some tribble nuggets."

"Alferian hair-pasta," the Doctor's eyes widened in horror. "Alferian fur contains obsidian-oxide! That's one of the items I told you to _avoid_ during this pregnancy!"

"Oh," Neelix's face fell. "I forgot."

The Doctor scanned Neelix with a medical tricorder. "There are many things at work here. The components of the hair-pasta are having a reaction to the Borg nanoprobes in the child's body, and something else…" his eyes narrowed in at the tricorder.

"Doctor?" Janeway's counterpart asked urgently. "What is it?"

The Doctor's eyes moved up to Janeway. "It's your _coffee_!" he gazed back down at the readings. "Apparently you've become _so_ addicted over the years that the caffeine has become a part of your DNA! The caffeine is reacting with the alfarian hair pasta chemicals, and the Borg nanoprobes!"

"Oh!" Neelix suddenly yelped. "Here it comes!"

The Janeway watching the scene averted her eyes, not wanting to know exactly _where_ this baby was going to come out of Neelix's body. When she looked back, she saw her counterpart and Seven holding the child wrapped in a blanket. The baby looked cute enough, just with a Borg wheel on one check and a silvery web on the back of its head.

"She's alright!" The Doctor said, scanning the child. "For a minute it looked like she was going to come out as some kind of abomination, but I suppose it was just a false alarm. Her physiology _is_ very unique though. Thanks to the Borg technology, caffeine an hair pasta, she'll likely grow at a very accelerated rate, reaching puberty in a matter of months. But she seems healthy enough."

The Janeway watching the scene rotated her hand impatiently. "Aaand a few months later…?"

Lady Q snapped both fingers.

Now they were in a hallway on the ship, filled with rising smoke and blaring alarms.

Harry Kim worked furiously at a consol. He hit his com badge. "Kim to bridge! Katey of Nine Jr.'s assimilated the power relays on Deck 4, not to mention half the crew!"

Ensign Samantha Wildman stumbled by, covered in Borg implants. "_Locate…coffee…resistance….to caffeine…is futile_…"

Wildman crossed the hall to the doors of the mess hall. With a sigh, Janeway followed her in, Lady Q trailing her. In the mess hall were dozens of Voyager crewmembers, covered in Borg implants, seemingly searching the premise for anything containing caffeine. In the galley, an assimilated Neelix prepared a new pot of coffee with a Borg appendage. At first she thought he had one of those famous Borg claw-hands, but up close, realized it was actually a Borg spatula. Once the coffee beans were ground, Neelix simultaneously liquefied and heated them with his eye laser.

Janeway and Lady Q looked at each other.

"Well, before we get the hell out of this reality, I suppose I might as well see what my would-be monster-daughter looks like," Janeway sighed.

Lady Q snapped them to engineering.

Half the people there were caffeinated drones. The other half, still unassimilated, were working frantically around the smoking warp core. The warp core didn't look right…the swirling clouds inside it were flickering from their usual blue to a shade of brown that looked remarkably like a latte.

Janeway saw her counterpart grip the railing around the warp core, and shout to B'Elanna Torres, "Status report!"

B'Elanna shouted from the other side of the railing, "She's turning the warp core into a giant coffee pot!"

The visiting Janeway noticed that B'Elanna wasn't pregnant.

"What season is it right now?" she asked Lady Q.

"Season six, I believe."

"Ah, okay. So Seven and I were married, what…late Season Four?"

As if on cue, the doors to Engineering hissed opened and Seven of Nine rushed through the smoke, stopping near the warp core. She shouted up to the second level of Engineering, "_Katey of Nine Hanson-Janeway Jr., get your ass down here at once!_"

A young girl's voice replied, "Aw Mom, how can I come down, when I'm feeling sooooo UP!"

The girl was running around the top layer of Engineering in circles, like a kid with ADHD who'd neglected her meds, sticking her assimilation tubes into random crewmen not quick enough to get out of her way. She looked quite a bit like Seven, but had Janeway's eyes. Not surprisingly, she had a few visible Borg implants. Somewhere her late childhood or early pre-teen years, she wore a jumper dress similar to what Naomi Wildman might wear. The girl's hair, however, was the most striking feature; it was long and bright green, and looked like a wild, untamed tribble. Actually, it looked an awful lot like the fur of an alfarian; Neelix had shown Janeway pictures once, of the furry goat-like aliens that he made his infamous hair-pasta from.

The visiting Janeway shouted to anyone who might hear her, "What the hell's going on, exactly?"

Her counterpart turned and stared at her. "I might ask you the same question! Who the hell are you, some alien intruder trying to impersonate me?"

"No, no," Lady Q assured her. "We're just visitors from an alternate timeline. We've come to see how her—your—life goes if you hook up with Seven of Nine."

"Just see for yourself!" the alternate Janeway gestured up to her daughter. "The coffee in my system combined with Seven's Borg physiology has inspired her to zip around the ship like the Road Runner and assimilate everything in sight!"

Chakotay and Tuvok suddenly marched over from opposite directions, staring blankly and covered in hardware. When they met in the middle of the room, Chakotay extended a horrifying Borg arm with an empty coffee mug at the end. Tuvok graciously responded by filling it from a mechanical hand-spout. An assimilated Naomi Wildman and Icheb fell into line behind Chakotay, extending a Borg Styrofoam cup and _Quark's! _mug, respectively.

The "real" Janeway blinked at the scene. "Well obviously Seven of Nine and I aren't a good match. At least not if we want to produce biological children."

Lady Q frowned. "Not necessarily. You could just give up coffee and—"

Both Janeways turned to stare murderously at Lady Q. Lady Q's hands few up defensively, and she backed off.

B'Elanna shouted, "Warp Core breach in three…"

Lady Q turned to her passenger. "Quick! Which reality do you wanna see next?"

"Uh…" Janeway wasn't sure she wanted to see _any_ more possibilities.

B'Elanna continued, "Two…"

"Mark!" Janeway shouted.

The fireball rolled out of the warp core just as Lady Q snapped her fingers.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Apologies for taking so long with this chapter. It took me a long time to come up with a scenario for Janeway and Seven. **


	6. Mark My Words

**A/N:This chapter is inspired by a funny commercial that I saw years ago. I can't do much else to credit it, since I cannot remember where I saw it or what it was advertising. **

**I don't own "Star Trek: Voyager."**

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><p>Janeway and Lady Q sat on a sofa, in what looked like Mark Johnson's living room.<p>

An Elvis song played softly from the little old-school radio on the windowsill. Sunlight beamed onto the carpet, where Molly the Irish setter was curled up. Janeway's counterpart sat in a rocking chair, dressed in her Starfleet uniform and wearing her hair in that awful bun Janeway had tried so hard to forget about. She was knitting a long scarf, with pictures of steaming coffee mugs on it. On the other side of the room, Mark sat in a large armchair with a pair of round glasses sitting halfway down his nose, reading a newspaper and smoking a pipe.

The couple didn't acknowledge the two strange women in their house. Nor each other.

Janeway and Lady Q looked around awkwardly, and waited for something to happen.

For several minutes, nothing did...

"_We interrupt this program_...!"

The "real" Janeway jumped on the couch and grabbed her heart. Everyone else just looked over casually at the radio (including the dog).

"_...to bring you a last-minute news update!_"

The newsman sounded like he'd just walked out of the 1950s. And, rudely, Janeway said so.

"Why does this news caster sound like something from one of Paris's old twentieth-century recordings?"

"Shh!" her counterpart hissed. "Because he _is_! Walter Cronkite resigned from working in the twentieth century and relocated to the Federation of Planets via the timeship Relativity! I thought everyone knew that!"

"Oh I'm sorry, I guess my celebrity gossip isn't up to date."

"Hrmph." The other Janeway turned back to her knitting. "You're probably from some silly alternate-reality where women waste time at _work_ rather than devoting themselves to the home like they should! _I_ only captain the Voyager for picnics and holidays-"

"Deary, please," Mark drawled, "I want to hear the news man."

"_...Yes, if you ladies don't _mind_, I was talking! Hre-hem; that's right ladies and gents, a last-minute news update! I say 'last minute' because these are literally the last five minutes all of us have to live. As the Dominion swarms into Federation Space, Starfleet is helpless to fight back, having lost most of its best ships and captains to the invasion by Species 8472 some time ago. In fact, said aliens themselves are on their way to finish off whatever the Dominion doesn't obliterate. It sure would be great if we'd had someone out there in the Delta Quadrant to keep _those_ bad guys occupied while Sisko took care of the Dominion, but nope, no such luck..._"

The real Janeway snapped, "Point taken!"

"_As our world comes to an end, there is naught left for any of us to do, but confess our sins, and beg each other's forgiveness._"

The knitting Janeway looked up at her husband, with those ridiculous puppy-eyes.

"Oh Mark, I suppose I ought to tell you...you're not Ralphie's real father."

On cue, a boy of about six entered the living room, soaring a model starship in one hand. The child looked Talaxian.

Mark stared at the boy, then laughed jovially. "Oh stop at nonsense! Why would you pull such a silly prank Kathy! I love you dear."

The real Janeway shouted over everyone, "_Next_."

"Next what?" Lady Q drummed her fingers on her folded arms.

"_Partner_."

"Name?"

"I don't know...who was that alien fellow with the kinky black gloves...?"

"Kashyk? Gotcha."

**_FLASH!_ **


End file.
